IT ENDS

I'm sorry, but I have to leave, don't know when, but I have to. Everyone you have great lives and keep those lives going, don't think of yourselves as a nobody, don't dwell on false hope for too long. Live happy lives like me, just don't hang on the things that make you happy for too long, or you when you lose it, you might feel empty, and fall forever, in the darkness. stay happy and in the light, and if you are in the darkness, watch those in the light, keep them safe, maybe they will pull you out of the darkness, if you haven't fallen too far.

Depression

I'm just so dreppressed lately, it's been 2 months and I haven't changed at all, the heart attacks stopped, but now I feel so empty inside. Makenna apologized yesterday, and I just said "ok" I don't even know what that means. Depression is hitting me everyday, but I have to act like nothings happening for everyone else, but I don't know how long it'll last, last weekend I just felt like nothing at all matters anymore, not even me, something really bad would have happened if phillip (my brother) didn't come running down stairs, but it happened again today, Don't know what to do, I feel like I should just end it, just........ stop it all..... I don't even know if I actaully forgiven her, I just hope I can last long enough until everything is turned around for everyone and it slowly is....... but too slowly, I'm losing my mind, I keep having headaches, and pains, saddness and anger, I just want it all to stop, and I can only think of one way...........

Dear You know who you are

man I feel so silly right now, I finally figured out what my problem is, I just need to grow up, let go and only care a little and not make such a big deal about it, lol silly it took me so long to realize it, but I also realize I love the way I am, i do need to change a little but come on I've great friends, I love helping others with their problems or even just listening to them, I don't judge, I'll just listen. I'm Great with video games, and drawing, still need to work on it a little more though, I've come up with a great story, and had alot help with it so thank you, you know who you are.
lol man, I feel sillt and great at the same time, and I don't know if this was it, but cause of that one person, idk what it was, I guess she finally kicked my ass, lighting it on fire, what ever saying you want, but I've got to thank her, so thank you. and good luck with everything, I mean it you'll have a great life ahead of you, and so do I. cause I don't have that dream anymore woooo, but it was kinda nice though, lol so to those that say I don't care about myself, well I do, but when it comes to others safety, feelings, and special curcomstances, I still care about myself, but I'll care about them more. :) Have A great and wonderful senior year Makenna, I'm really glad I've met you.

Hey.......

I feel so pathetic but I know I'm not, I was just too stubborn to listen, and now I might lose a freind and another chance. Well she doesn't want me to talk to her for a while until she comes to me, which probably be a while, she is so pissed at me. I always skrew things up, and writting this isn't probably going to help either. I've talked to everyone else, heard what they had to say and I'm taking their advice, at least the ones that are possible for me, hehe. Now I just want to talk to her, have her smile when I'm near her after I tell her a joke or something, but I can't.........
.............. my time of healing is up, it's been up the past 2 weeks, but nooo I have to be an idiot and ruin everything, I don't remember but I think she gave a temporary or permenent nickname of "you". I don't really know what to say to that, I guess she doesn't see me as a real person anymore. I don't know, but I have to leave her alone for now, maybe forever, but it's up to her.


(Sigh) I'm so angry with myself right now, I keep having these dreams of where this God (sorry if I disrespected any religions) is telling me that she's my innocence and that I should go back to her, keep chasing her, but all I did is yell at him saying There is no way she's my innocence, there's someone better for her out there. But He keep telling me no I'm for her, and by actually admitting true love to her I will actually be back to what I was and rid of nightmare forever. I would Prove him wrong but by doing so I'd have to go up to her, and she doesn't want that. I just don't know, ppl are saying that you should trust God, and give it a try. I don't know...........

FUCKED UP

I really fucked up this time, Makenna broke up with me, cause I just annoyed the hell out of her, with babying and other stuff, she broke up with me tues before school, the day before I said I would try my absolute hardest not to do that any more, and the next day its over, I even annoyed her more a week later, I guess I just couldn't let go of her, I really loved her, and i still do, but it's over, and I realize I can't really be who I am anymore. Now I'll just have to change who I am, I want to try and win her back, but it seems pointless, She hates me, and I hate myself. she says I forgotten how to smile........ she maybe right, ( I know it's pathetic, I REALLY DON"T CARE) there's no reason to smile, I mean the person I want most is right beside me and I can't have her. I don't know what to do, I thought about things to find myself and all I really saw was someone alone, should I really just stay alone................... I know I've said so many times and that's drove her away, but I'm just so sorry for what I did and I can't change that at all, I don't want to move on............. I want to be happy, I want to have someone important in my life, and I want to important to them, (I bet NO ONE even reads these FUCKing things) I"M SO PATHETIC, all I can do is cry, and I know the first one is always the hardest but I... I just don't want to let go something so great( and now I'm crying) I want her back so badly, not as a dependent, but because she the one person that made me happy, but she'll never want me back, I was so pathetic, I did everything wrong...................... I'm just talking to myself aren't I. I bet she doesn't even read these anymore, (tears) I just don't know what to do.

School!

man I actually can't wait for school to start, I get to be with my girlfreind every day, I get to see my friends and I won't be stuck in the house all day, life is slowly movin forward, but i wish it didn't move at all, I don't really want to grow up, cause it's scary in the real world, but i want to be successful, this year I'll do my absolute best, besides the spelling (if I spelled anything wrong). But it's gonna be great, bummmer that my freind Joel isn't there anymore, but we'll still hang out.

New Demon

I was in darkness and I thought I'd stay in it, but I found my light, and her name is Makenna. I can't lie, I do sometimes crave the darkness, but nothing good may come of it, so I became a black angel, ........ But I think that because I'm rid of him, I wasn't able to contain him and now he's back and stronger than ever, but He gave himself a name, one that shouldn't even exist, Nightmare he calls himself, anyone who is familar with Soul Calibur should know who this is,


























But my inner angel has grown as well to protect my light, It isn't the same as what others might expect but it's the only way to stop the Demon. It had to go back to the Darkness and take a new appearance but only to stop this Demon, My true angel is not this form.
Yes they do look the same, well you know what they say, Fight Fire with Fire.

I know I can beat him again.
And yeah I know i'm insane:D

Just checking up

Hey, It's really been a while this time huh? But anyway Summers been pretty good since I last checked in, except for the two and a half weeks with out Makenna, she too Iowa (I probably didn't spell that right) to see her family, and man time slowed down like it was two and half months. We missed each other so much and it was harder too cause right after she left my parents limited me on my phone, but I found a job then quit cause the pay sucked. A whole week of work and I only got paid 100 bucks.

Oh I donated blood for the first time, so yay me or whatever. I feel bad thought cause I wanted to do it with my girlfreind while she was there, but she was in Iowa. I kinda am glad she wasn't there cause it would of tortured her while I was doing it, cuase I passed out, and freaked. It took three doctors to hold me down so the needle wouldn't slide out, and they had to wake me up with ice packs. I think I growled at them too cause I thought I was napping in my house and that my family was trying to wake me up, but it was one of the doctors. Man when I came too and had my color back, I just looked at the docter and said "I did something wrong didn't I?" but nope it was just becuase it was my first time and that I was doing a double donation, but I just sat there laughed.

Makenna got back from Iowa and God we were so happy to see eachother again, I was waiting at her house. I got to know her foster sister more, so I'm not really afraid of her, now I'm just afraid of her dad, but I think he's starting to like me so I'll just try to keep up whatever Im doing, cuase seriously it's gonna be hard to ask him a certain question in the future if I'm still afraid of him, but I think it'll work out ok. I really do love her. I love being able to touch her, to know that she is real, and not a dream, being able to hold her in my arms and feel her warmth, being able to kiss her know she loves me. I love her so much.

Oh I just saw the Dark Knight, Awesome movie. Loved the way they did it, but I got confused at one point. I won't say what it is cuase some of you might not have seen it so I'll just wait A bit. Well that's it so far, Still having a great summer, still looking for a new job, so stay cool everybody.

Great Summer

Hey, sorry I haven't written anything in a while, not like anybody else reads these anyway, but Ive been bussy going out with Makenna, the most amazing girl ever. We went to the movies to watch don't mess with the zohan, which is pretty good if you haven't seen it, first our plan was to go the canery but, we need to be 18 to watch any movies after 6, which sucks. So we went to the Sante Fe, we watch the movie and it was good, but the other movie we wanted to watch was on the other side, so we were going to a different one, but it got interupted, but we still had fun.

Later that week Makenna's mom invited me to go to the adventure dome with them, and it was a blast, I faced my fear of really fast rides, except for the rollercoaster, yeah yeah laugh at me if you want, but we had a blast, we watched a weird 3-D movie with Daffy Duck, and we played so games and I won her a green a purple fish, which looked weird, and then we won some fake flowers on this one game were, you have a fishing pole and there's a magnet attached to it, you have to try and get a red magnet, well I didn't and got a flower, Makenna got a red and yellow but they only gave her a prize for the yellow one, cheap bastards.

oh man it was great, and I even felt accepted by her parents, and she was accepted by my mom cause my mom showed her my baby pics (argh!) but it made me happy to see my mom actually axcept a girl in my life....... Wait that sounded like she wanted me to be gay. No my mom's just over protecting thats all....... Anyway... We both really love eachother and we're just having a great time.

Well that's what's been going on so far, and it's still great, Have a great summer Dudes, and Chicks.

Love

You know you're in love when you just can't take your eyes off of them, cause they make your heart beat faster every time they look back at you. You tremble not because you afraid but because you're at peace. The whole world just slows down as both of you are together. You picture yourself with them in the future and you're not afraid of what it becomes. You will show them that you can cry, not because you're sad, but that you're happy that they love you as much as you love them. I felt like a nobody my hole life until I met Makenna, and she told me "To the world, you just one person, but to one person, you're the whole world." and I admit that made me cry because she made me feel so loved. Remember that saying, don't ever think you're a nobody, because you're always somebody to someone

Summer

Man it's close to the end of the year, You guys got any plans for the summer, cuase sure do. Go out with Makenna, loving life, Enjoying it all, Making movies (for the fun of it). So come on guys let me know what you're going do.

Paintings

I just learned a new of painting and decided to try them out.

Chech em out and comment

Prom

even it was a weak ago, prom was great. I actually dance with Makenna which made her very happy, and I had fun with it. When I went to go pick her up, her mom and my mom both took about 20 pics of us. It pretty fun. Then we went to olive garden for dinner and Makenna had me try this new appitizer, i forgot what it was but it was good. After three hours of dancing and talking we went to chelsey's to watch a movie (sweeney todd). not many people were actually paying attention, i know i wasn't cause i was either watching Makenna sleep ( i know thats a bit creepy but she was so cute) or kissing her. We both had a great time.

Crazy Assholes

My brother went to Bob's market today and was messing around with his friends. when they were leaving my brother said to his friends "Jesus loves you." well While he was saying that a mexican overheard him and got pissed and He threated my brother by saying, Do you want to meet Jesus soon. My brother ignored him and walked away, and the mexican said "Yeah don't fuck with adults!"

Seriously if I was there and he said that I would just turn around a Beat the shit out of that guy. I don't care if the store clerk calls the police you death threat someone for saying something like that and even when it's not to you.

Rant

Everyday I here about some kids in third world countries are starving, or they have no parents, and they governments there ask us to help them out, because such a caring country, but I can tell some people want to say something about the problem but are to afraid to say it, so I'm going to use The freedom of speach and say this. Why the hell do these countries expect us to help them out in a time of need, when they continue to insulf us and say we hate the rest of the world, Well if we hate the world then why are we helping you? Why should we waist our money and our services to help out those who would exploit it? We could use this money to acually help our country because now it's being skrewed up too, but no we are going to nice to everyone else and help you first. And I bet after we do help you out, we will be vulerable (I don't know how to spell it.) and you'll just turn on us and say we desurve it.

Well, that's what I got to say, comment on it if you agree or disagree please.

Face your Demons

Some people say if you have some past problems or current problems you're going to have to face your demons sometime, it wouldbe your father, your mother, a old friend, a old enemy, it could be anything. And so people would go and face their demons, some end up victorious, and

others will just have more demons to face. I have one question for you, How can you face your demon, when the demon is you?






Please comment.

Confusion

Man, life is too damn confusing, or maybe it's just me going crazy, which i really hope so.
People say one thing which makes you think about it then you're second guessing yourself.
You put yourself down because you think you're not good enough for anything, NOT THEM, NOT HER, NOT IT, NOT ANYTHING, but they still try to cheer you up, but because of that it makes you wonder if they care or pity you, or are just trying to make you see what you actuall are. Second guessing could save your life, but it might just cause you to go insane, Do they really accept you as a freind, or a you just someone they use and throw away, do you really care for her, or Are you F*&$ing being obsecive you idiot. NO you're not being obsecive you really do care, but because of you judgement you still keep that one wall up.

See, I am confused, or just crazy

Second Chances

Do you believe in second chances? Would you give that person a second chance even though others might disagree? Are you willing to go so far as to put aside your other friends to give that one person a second chance?

And if you were that person, would you take it? Would you take that second chance even though others might hate you for it? Are you willing to go so far as to ignore the dirty looks, and rumors to actually enjoy the second chance you've been given?

Do you know, cause I sure as Hell don't, I'm not you. It's your choice.

What Is Love?

What is Love?..... Is it some strange emotion where you look at somebody and you see a future with them and you're not afraid of it,

or is it some sick way of messing with the human mind, changing people into something of a monster because they can't understand what's wrong with themselves.
No I don't mean you, Makenna.